The First Year of Motherhood: The New Definition of Alone Time

Written July 15, 2019

You can’t really fully prepare for motherhood the way you can prepare for a lot of things.  You can buy items to help and you can hear all of the advice (both solicited and unsolicited). You can even think you understand certain things such as knowing you’ll hardly get any sleep or you’ll be responsible for a kid 24/7.   I was one of the people who didn’t claim to know anything going in.  I knew I was pretty much going in blind.  I prepared what I could, but I knew I couldn’t actually know what it was going to be like which is why it was one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever been through.  But one thing I don’t think I truly appreciated and understood would be affected so greatly by motherhood is my “me time”.  Not my time with friends or time with Andy, I thought about those and was concerned they would be affected.  But I didn’t spend much time thinking about how much alone time I had at times.  Andy and I spend a lot of time together voluntarily, especially when we worked together.   But I still had quite a bit of time with just me during fishing season.  Even if I was home with Nova, I could leave her and head out whenever I wanted.  And more often than not when it was just her and me she would go lay around and I’d get some peace.

The alone time I get now is not the same.  I am almost always thinking about Hannah and if she is alright.  Other times my alone time happens while I watch her sleep on the monitor like she is now.  It is the weirdest thing because I want some time to myself but I don’t want to leave her any more than I already have to for work. This is part of the reason I started writing again so I could reconnect and center on my own.  There are times where I want me time so bad I’ll go on a solo lunch in my car on a nice day. It tends to be more of an hour here and there instead of a full day thing because I can relax more being away from Hannah for shorter amount of times. 

I wonder if when Hannah gets older I’ll be able to leave for longer and feel better about it.  But even as I think of it now, I think of all the cool things she will do as she gets older and how I won’t ever want to miss it.   I think if I just get more of these little windows of alone time, I will have a better balance.  My little sweetie is going to be a year old soon and this year has caused me to grow as much as she has (thankfully not physically lol).  And the time of trying to get pregnant with her and the things I went through in pregnancy changed me before she even joined us.  I am so grateful for her and what she has done in my life. And I am thankful for these little nuggets of alone time to get to reflect on that.