Confession: I cuss like a sailor when a big spider comes in my house

Written May 31, 2020

Anyone who knows me in person knows I am a pretty laid back person who does not get outwardly fired up about much.   And while the world is out there going crazy, I am trying to find the good in the world and the positive stories.  But when a big spider comes in my house, I turn into Samuel L. Jackson in Snakes on a Plane, except it’s a Spider in Sarah’s House.

I have to tell you all about this because somehow most people have not seen this side of me.  I swear these giant spiders are in hiding when Andy is around.   I lived on my own when we started dating and had these huge brown spiders in my apartment.   Andy was over often and never saw them.   Maybe that was fate so he didn’t realize how insane I could be before he married me.  But I bet my neighbors heard because I lived in an apartment complex with plenty of other units all around. 

I wish I could tell you that I put them in a little jar and take them outside, but I will not lie to you.   I also will not get graphic because I know some people care about spiders.  But they bring out an ugly side of me that says the f word at least as many times as it is said in Step Brothers in about 2 minutes. 

I have had a good run of not dealing with this issue for a while because I have only seen these giant spiders outside and I do not mess with them in their territory.   But today it happened.   I went to put Hannah down for a nap and saw the giant black spider on my ceiling in my living room.  He was still there when I got back from putting her in her crib.   No big deal, I’ll just wait until Andy gets home later.   But no, he decides to move all the way across the room by the time I go in there again.  Now I know I have to deal with him because I can’t lose track of him.   If I do, I will drive myself nuts thinking he is on me every time I am in that room. And then I’ll go all mama bear if I think that spider could bite my daughter. For the record, I am aware of how dramatic this all sounds.

So today, I get a broom with the dustpan on it and deal with it.  But it is like a 5 minute ordeal of trying to figure out if I can get to him and with what before I even decide to grab the broom.  And then come the stream of obscenities that I am so glad Hannah does not hear.  I am also grateful she did not wake up from the sounds in the living room.

I wish I could tell you I am working on this, but I have been weird about spiders since I was a kid.   I do not like them and it makes me sad that they come out so much in the Fall because it is my favorite time of year.   I hope you all enjoyed learning about my ridiculous fear and will no longer be shocked/offended if I have to deal with a giant spider in front of you.